SCHOOL FOR THOUGHT

The Self-Esteem Trap

Many well-meaning educators and parents believe that it is important to build up children’s self-esteem by praising them and making them feel special. According to The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising confident and compassionate kids in an age of self-importance, encouragement and advantages don’t guarantee happiness in childhood or success in adulthood. In fact, according to the author, the reverse is often true. Unrealistic expectations of fame, power, and achievement can set children up for “the self-esteem trap” - a condition that afflicts young adults with difficulty in meeting the ordinary challenges of life, a lack of empathy and the ability to collaborate with others, and a tremendous fear of humiliation. The following excerpt is taken from pages 21-22.

“Obsessive self-focus, restless dissatisfaction, pressures to be exceptional, unreadiness to take on adult responsibilities, feelings of superiority (or inferiority), and excessive fears of being humiliated are the pervasive symptoms of the self-esteem trap… Even in very young children, we can witness the beginning of these symptoms - for instance, when a child seems unable to step back from her own needs when they are in conflict with another’s more important needs… The self-esteem trap, in its least troubling form, leads to unhappy adult children who feel defective because they are unable to have or be what they imagined for themselves. At its worst, unchecked over childhood and young adulthood, and reinforced by other social conditions, it can lead ot chronic emotional disorders such as depression, narcissism, and addiction.

“Jason, a young man in his early twenties, came to see me in therapy because he had a distinct feeling that he was superior to others. He didn’t like the feeling. He didn’t know how he had gotten it, but it made him uncomfortable socially. When Jason met new people, at first he was interested and enthusiastic about getting to know them. But then within a month or so, he would notice himself judging them. He would quickly and gleefully identify their flaws and weaknesses. Eventually he would find himself to be superior, better, or more capable than others who had initially intrigued him. He felt a pressure to succeed, to be better than others, almost all the time. he was uncomfortable around, and uninterested in, those whom he secretly found lacking, yet he felt ashamed of his incessant judgments. This whole range of thoughts and feelings was terribly upsetting to him on many different levels. 

“Jason is stuck in the self-esteem trap. The special self demands that its owner constantly measure up to extraordinary standards, try to win every competition, and fulfill a specific or vague grand fantasy about what the self and its life should be. As this young man sensed, this identity becomes a prison, an eternal trap from which the person feels there is no escape and no chance of rescue. After all, who else is capable of rescuing you if you’re better than everyone else? The special self is a lonely and scary place to live.”